GenieKnows Games Narrowing the field

Welcome to a Beginner’s Guide to Online Gaming.  This is part one of a twenty-six part series.  To see additional parts, follow the links at the bottom.

If you are new to online gaming and want to make the transition from noobie to battle hardened gaming veteran then you have come to the right place.  This online guide will teach you all the basics from learning how to talk like a gamer to the more advanced techniques such as foregoing proper hygiene in order to rank in the top 10.

Today’s guide will teach the basics of online communication in a gaming environment as well as how to deal with cheaters.

1.  Know the Lingo

One of the easiest ways to be pegged as a new player is if you do not speak the language of the game.  While each game contains its own distinct lingo, there are some general rules that you can follow which will allow you to blend into the online gaming community.

Abbreviate, Abbreviate, Abbreviate:  Abbreviation is a key component to chatting with other gamers.  It lets others know that you are just too important or busy to fully type out a sentence or word. Now you may be wondering what are appropriate abbreviations and the answer is simple - anything.  By anything, I mean anything and everything – obscure abbreviations lets others know that you are the master of this gaming domain.  An example of this:

Player 1: Has anyone seen our flag?
You: INTEBSLSS (It’s in the enemy’s base, second level, sewer system)
Player 1: Excuse me?
You: NL2A (Newb, learn to abbreviate)
Player 1: *bangs head against keyboard*

Congratulations, you’ve successfully held your first online conversation in which you didn’t come across as a total failure.

Ditch Proper Spelling:  If you must type out words, it is very important that you do not fully type out the words.  Here are some common shortcuts:

You = U
Are = R
I would like to point out that the last event/sentence you said/attempts at playing the game caused me to laugh to myself = lol
Die in a fire = diaf

Of course these are only a few small examples and need to be used in conjunction with an assortment of other misspellings.  Some things to keep in mind when misspelling words are: using random capitalization, setting your caps lock on – permanently (I recommend investing in a decent paperweight and duct tape), using the incorrect homonym, adding in numbers instead of letters and adding in characters instead of letters. Here’s an example:

Obvious new player:  Hey, how are you doing?
Obvious master of gaming: |-|3Y |)0Uch3 iM G0Nna PwN j00 L()L

2.  Voice Chat

There is a reason game developers include voice chat with their online games and while you may think this feature should be used to help coordinate your team, you are sadly mistaken.  Under no circumstance should you use voice chat unless you are doing one of the following things:

• Singing/Rapping
• Playing music over the microphone
• Playing hilarious sound clips
• Insulting other players
• Calling out cheaters
• Letting people know how good you are at the game
• Arguing with relatives or siblings for all to hear

If people tell you are being annoying over the microphone, they’re obviously new and should be dealt with accordingly (severe mocking).

Here are two excellent examples of how to correctly use voice chat (warning coarse language):

3.  Call Out Cheaters

Something that many new players to online gaming are often unaware of is their responsibility to announce to everyone that there is a cheater present on the server.  This is a two step process which needs to be followed to ensure you do not make a baseless accusation against your fellow gamer.

Step One:  First you need to determine whether or not the potential cheater is actually cheating.  I’ve compiled a simple checklist which should aid you in determining if a gamer is cheating.  Until you completely memorize the checklist, I suggest you print it and place it somewhere visible for easy reference.

1. Is the player doing well?
2. Is the player doing better than you?
3. Has the player killed you recently?
4. Has the player killed you frequently?
5. Has the player amassed a sizeable army capable of crushing your defences?
6. Does the player have a good score?
7. Does the player have good items?

Have other players used his name in conjunction with other words such as good, bullshit or tapioca pudding?

If the answer is yes or maybe to one or more of these questions then the player in question is without a doubt cheating.

Step Two:  Once you have determined that a player is cheating, you must now inform everyone on the server of the player’s cheating.  To do this, simply open the chat box and type in all caps that the player is cheating using as much profanity as possible – do this often.  After you have alerted everyone on the server to the cheater’s presence, this should be enough to shame the cheater into leaving.

Step Three (Optional):  In case the cheater has not left after you have exposed him then you are only left with one other option, private messaging.  Your private message needs to strike fear into the cheater so you’re going to need to bring out the big guns.  Some things to include in your private message are: threatening to get the admin to ban the cheater, threatening to get their account banned by the software developer, death threats, questioning their sexuality and letting them know how awesome you are in “real life”.  After your barrage of insults and threats is launched via private message (remember, more is better so send at least 10-15 of these messages), the cheater will have no choice but to quit the game and cry in a corner.  Mission accomplished.

Well that concludes part one of the twenty-six part series.  Stay tuned for part two where you’ll find out how to stop feeling bad for yourself and realize that your own failings as a gamer are not a result of your lack of skill.

Part Two: Coming Soon